Over this past weekend, three students from Alpha Beta Zeta fraternity, diagnosed with alcohol poisoning, were admitted to the hospital. University PR office said there had been an ABZ party.
The three students are Press Martin, junior in engineering; from Shetar, New Hampshire; Al Amalek, freshman majoring in liberal arts, from Nashville, TN; Rob Smith, sophomore in business, from here in town. They were admitted early Sunday morning at various times. Martin and Smith were released Monday morning while Amalek is still there and listed in critical condition.
A statement from the university: “Our initial investigation indicates that these young men were at a party at the ABZ house. A number of witnesses say alcohol was being consumed. Based on that, we are suspending the fraternity and its activities on campus. We have yet to decide how long the suspension will last.”
Many people are concerned with drinking at fraternity parties. Recently, a couple of students, one at LSU and one at MIT, died from alcohol poisoning. The University president, Harvey Smithville, restated the policy banning alcohol from fraternity houses located on campus property. Any fraternity will be suspended and a second offense will result in a ban that lasts five years.
Interfraternity president Bart Addison is “shocked that the incident occurred. However, I do not believe that the entire fraternity should be punished. I am going to ask President Smithville to reconsider his suspension.”
University might increase its police patrols of fraternity houses on weekends.
February 25, 2010 @ 11:10 pm
I think the lead paragraph could be clearer. It’s like you were trying to say a lot but got your words turned around.
There are a few fragments. In the lead, it says “University office said” and in the second paragraph it says ” a statement from the university”. You could put “the” at the beginning of the first phrase and redo the wording on the second phrase.
The paragraph that starts “Many people are concerned” is a little confusing. You talking about other universities and then you jump back to the university that the story takes place in. If I didn’t know that, I wouldn’t know which university you were talking about. It’s like you threw that LSU information in there. It fits, but then again it doesn’t. Maybe that paragraph should be broken up into two different paragraphs because they have two different subjects.
The last sentence does not need to stand alone. Either add it in somewhere or leave it out altogether. I like how you used all the information. Good job!
February 26, 2010 @ 12:20 am
1. Your lead is not bad, but that second sentence doesn’t really do much work.
2. You’re overusing quotes. Paraphrase more of that material. Re-read the Stovall section on using quotes in chapter 5.
3. If you are going to use the LSU and MIT examples, you need to make more of them, and make them less confusing.